Crazy Joe vs. The Balron

Only a small number of people can say they saw a Balron.
Fewer can say they beat one.
Fewer than that can say they beat one solo.

Friday night, I was home alone, my diet consisted of a box of Wheat Thins and 3-5 Rum and Cherry Coke. I was pretty much feeling super sexy in the head, and decided to pay the Balron a visit for myself. I posted this adventure on the Stratics Bard Forum, quite intoxicated after the event, for all intent and purposes, I'll cut and paste my monologue from there.

ok im not excactly durnk just really really realy really buzzy.

i disvoered at 3am there is nobody left on the atlantic server left to loot. i goto deceit, shame,destard, all sorts of places and no freaking people, only monsters. well, i figure if I gotta fight some monsters i'll goto the tetaran keep or whatever its clalled.

didja know that safe spot in trammel, the ledge and water, I can't teleportonto it anymore. guess OSI is tired of folks going lord illustrius ledge camper GM whatever, so they blocked it. good for them.

anyway, i'm wandering around for about 10 min wondering how theheck does one get UNDER they keep. well took long enough, and I found it.

And guess who I found in there?

he is one rude mofu people, i'm telling you. never before have I actually got up and checked my drawers to see if I had an accident. he's fast, he's loud, he's ugly, and he is fast. I missed a few screenshots of him coming around and opening the door and going ROAR, so just imagine me pounding the bloody hell out of my peacemakemacro

oh for the love of all that is holy. this guy is mean. he plowed down a drone in one hit (no shocker there) he takes out warriros in about 3 hits, sometimes 4. He took out that mariachi a little bit longer, but the avengers are the only ones that have the cajones to stand up to him and actualy put visible damage. however, you need to sick anything and everything onto him, otherwise he shoots big giant yellow firballs out of his keester and they can take out 50-70 HP.

Right about now I remember how I was buying a horse and was 30 gold short and said, bah, I need no stinking horse. sigh. bring one next time.

In lethal weapon we were blessed int he moonlight butt walk from mel bigson. well folks, here is your lord of the abyss butt walk shot. nice muffins.

I return from my figure 8 run like a chicken evade manuever in time to see my avenger go down, but he left quite a hit on Fatboy. I need more avengers.

Ok. everything is hazy for awhile, I get about 3 things spawn around me and I do my figure 8 run around like a chicken with its head cut off and keep provokikng anything and everything onto creampuff, when its all said and done after 2-3 avengeres, 5 drones, 2 warriors, maybe 3 he is down to half health.

my attempts were futile. and I lost all but 10 health inthe process. suptid stupid stupid.

ah ha. sizzle chest isn't as strong as I thought. however, im out of avengers and the drones are as usefull as rideable llama dung.

I go to the left and find those snake people. i thought they would help me in my quest of pure lunacy, however i learn they attack the spider folks on sight. they were pretty much uselss as drones.

I lead avengers out of th ekeep and out into the lovely garden to help me slay the mighty beast.
Meanwhile, a darn drone loots my kill.

A darn drone loots my kill. I have nothing else funny to say.

vicotry is close. I can smell it

DANG. All I need is 100 more drones or 1 avenger. A beacon of a holy grail apears over the keep. .

by now im humming ozzy's 'Iron man' to myself. this avenger is the chosen one.


HEAL HEAL HEAL!

an avenger spawns on my feet, i run away unable to witness the climax. However I know when its ove.r..

WOO HOO! Ding dong the witch is dead. however we seem to be out of regs.

If you thought it doesn't get worse than that.........

THAT SPIDERY THINGY LOOTED MY GOLD!

Not only that, I can NOT pick up any of my loot at ALL. NO!

I seem to have some good change, but no regs to get out. oh well. hit the rune book with a charge.

I walked into this place ADMIRABLE.....

I walked out alot better. I am happy to say not ONLY did I avoid the ledge, boxes, blocking, etc etc, I did this pretty darn under the influence.

NOT only that, I did NOT crash in the span of 20 min, which is what this took me.

Off to bed. I hope I don't read this in themoring and say 'WTF?"

I did wake up the next morning and think, "WTF?" when I read what I wrote. Worse yet, this was after 3am, after the server was backing up, I logged in and was NOT Illustrious, nor near the Keep as I logged out. Oh well.